Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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