Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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