I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
soo... how was my night?
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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