i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
