i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
