Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
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