I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
whose parrot is this?
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
