i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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