I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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