I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
