I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize