i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
