I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
