When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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