i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Randomize
