I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
