I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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