I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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