I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
