my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
