My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
