I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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