I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
