my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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