so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Randomize