He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Randomize