My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
