At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
