The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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