GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
