Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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