drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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