Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
We had sex on a dog bed..
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Randomize
