we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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