Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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