I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
