I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
