Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
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