if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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