Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
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