tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
