My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Randomize