I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
