did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
