Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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