ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Randomize