Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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