Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
