im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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