OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
