fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
