just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Randomize