Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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