mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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