I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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