At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Lets evaluate? U kissed one boss and lef twith another man. I cock teased the other, hardcore had a tongue jammed down my throat, made out w aa third then left in a cab w alex w them all yelling at me and offering rides. My cheek was also licked and bitten by 2 other men and we almost made out (u and me) because they asked. were hired.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
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