Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Randomize
