pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
