You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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