my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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