so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
