It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
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