I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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