i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
try to milk me bitch
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
