So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
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