If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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