He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
