If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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