just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
