Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
